Attention all employers: you really need to hire me!

Greetings potential employer, and in the words of Mick Jagger, please allow me to introduce myself: I am an almost-40-year-old woman who is facing a daytime-only empty nest syndrome as the time has, sadly, come for my youngest and favourite child to head off to big school. I am quietly confident that when you see all of the skills and talents I can offer you will agree that I deserve to be paid well for such experience and abilities.

Knowing how highly regarded community work is I’ll begin by telling you that for the last two decades I have offered my services to a select few clients on a volunteer basis. This work has included being on call every minute of every single day, except of course when I have flown interstate to see my favourite bands and singers or jetted of to Paris for two weeks. I have provided basic care and supervision, which has included many hours dedicated to character building exercises, lessons in appropriate toilet behaviour and hygiene, and the consumption of many hot chocolates and babycino’s in order to build social skills.

I’m good at baking. Like seriously really good at it. I have dedicated the last two years to mastering the French delicacies known as macarons, and my perseverance has been rewarded to such a degree that I am now ready to be paid for this skill. I guarantee that at least 80% of every batch will be consistently uniform in appearance, and any mutant ones will be consumed by yours truly. In a pinch I will only use the best quality shop bought fillings, no generic brand curds or frostings I assure you. I am also a whizz at entertaining and would love to get paid to spend the day in the kitchen preparing a three course spread.

I blog. I have dedicated far too many hours to count to composing, drafting, and publishing blog posts which have entertained thousands of people over the last three years. Such is my focus that there is no amount of housework or laundry which can distract me from the post at hand. I have now reached the stage where I can compose a highly witty and amusing post, in full, in my head. I’m sure you are no doubt impressed with my capabilities in this area and would agree that I should, in all fairness, be paid to blog. From home, naturally.

I kick arse at online shopping and bargain hunting. I am the person you need to take care of all of those pesky online shopping jobs you just don’t have time for. Whether you need me to do some comparison shopping for your new freestanding cooktop/stove combo, or need a reliable and cheap tradesman, you can rely on me. I shine in the areas of personal shopping, especially relating to clothes, shoes, books, and toys.  {Especially relating to shoes}. With a motto of “you can never have too many dresses, bags, or shoes”, I will have you looking stylishly fabulous before you know what has happened to your cash. I will track down that white peter pan collared black shift dress you have pictured in your head or my name isn’t Ana. {Actually that isn’t really my legal name, but let’s talk about that later, ok?}

I am highly skilled at conflict resolution. Due to the time spent carrying out the afore-mentioned volunteer work I am capable of ending sticky situations in no time at all. I think you will find that my methods, involving but not limited to waving around an ordinary wooden spoon while shouting obscenities are far more effective than any other corporate methods you may have heard about. I have, over time, also successfully intimidated all of the inanimate objects in my kitchen. I find that my methods will end all conflict, in fact all discussion, promptly and decisively. Every single time.

I have also built up an extensive and impressive knowledge of celebrity gossip and trivia. I know the name and age of every Kardashian and Jenner, as well as the names of their babies {and btw how cute is Nori!}, and I also know the names and places of birth of all the Jolie-Pitts. I naturally know my Hermes from my Miu Miu, and fondly remember Sarah Jessica Parker from the movie Girls Just Wanna Have Fun rather than from SATC. I know all the designer fragrances, not that I buy them as I am a purist and old school when it comes to my perfume. I can be counted on to keep up with all the latest news and headlines, and am the person you want on your team for any trivia night.

I also offer a thorough understanding of social media, and can advise on the most flattering filter for all your selfies, including which photo apps have the face slimming feature. I have extensive knowledge of how to make the most of Twitter and will have your Pinterest boards looking fab in no time. I can advise on Blogger versus WordPress, and would be delighted to spend your money on all the latest themes and plug-ins to have your website or blog the envy of everyone.

So there you have it: blogging, baking, and babysitting. All in-demand skills and talents honed by twenty years in the trenches of domestic life, and knowing how highly valued mothers are, especially the stay at home variety, I will no doubt be highly sought after in the “real” world. I should also mention that I won’t be wasting any time in sending this resume out to as many potential employers as possible, so I suggest you be quick in snapping me up.

Yours sincerely,

Ana.*

*Full legal name will be disclosed in time for my first pay cheque. 

  1. I would hire you to wave a wooden spoon at least two people off the top of my head.

    Reply

    1. Lol. I am very good at it, just ask my kids.

      Reply

  2. You lit up my day Ana. Awesome post 🙂

    Reply

  3. Love it Ana!!!!! xoxoxoxo

    Reply

    1. Thanks Mary. X.

      Reply

  4. I think those are all very attractive skills to a prospective employer. At least I hope they are, as that’s about the sum total of my resume at the moment too – minus the baking on account of my oven being broken…

    Reply

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