It’s a wrap: February.

I finished January on a high, all empowered and loving life. I went into February with a sense of promise and optimism, feeling that mentally and physically I was in a good place.

I hate to say it but….

…February has been a struggle in ways I never expected. In fact my mood for most of the month looked and felt something like this:

Here’s what I learned:

  • I REALLY need to throw the scales away. Those digital numbers have the power to fuck with my happiness, self esteem, and mental health. I am ashamed to admit how strong the compulsion to weigh myself still is and the amount of times I cry after doing so.
  • When in doubt get help. Hopefully a dietician will be able to help me with the food issues.
  • The ocean is my therapy, and even in the midst of my weight gain related depression the mornings I spent at the beach with my husband gave me preciously needed balm for the soul. Note to self: drop the kid off at school and hit the beach more often.
  • I need to keep busy. Whether it’s exercising or studying or re-decorating rooms in the house, idle time is just not healthy for me. Unless it’s spent at the beach.
  • Some problems never really go away, they just snooze then wake up when you least expect it.

But some good came from all of it too, and that’s what I am holding on to as this month ends. Stuff like:

I signed up to study to become an education support worker, something I toyed with before the cafe and have always had tucked away for “one day.” You just can’t beat school hours when it comes to a family friendly job, and while I love small children I sure as heck aint having anymore of them myself, so spending the day with other people’s offspring is something I like to do. Definitely excited about doing this.

It feels so good to have lost the somewhat directionless feeling I had when my son went back to school this year, being exactly where I was before the cafe, wondering what to do now that there are no more small kids left at home during the day.

The dietician seems confident I can lose some weight, even though she has me on a high protein low carb and really fucking low calorie way of eating that is killing me. After #embracing last month the idea of being on a diet is really fucking with my head and I don’t think I can do it for much longer. Like Taryn says, the very word diet has the word die in it.

I LOVE a project, and after our oldest moved out we were able to reclaim his bedroom as a study slash music room slash entertainment room. It was fun browsing wallpapers and deciding what kind of look we wanted and the room has come up exactly how I imagined it. Best of all my own bedroom is no longer a bedroom slash office, and it’s next on the list for it’s own makeover. And while it’s not done yet and there are stacks of paperwork waiting to be sorted all over the floor {which have been cropped out of the photo naturally}, I can’t believe how good it’s looking.

Then there was the Bruce Springsteen concert, which I went along to mostly because everyone raves about him and he seems like one of those legends you just have to see at least once. And man oh man did he deliver. Three solid hours, no support band and no encore, making it my ideal gig. No offence to support bands, but it just didn’t need it. Magic Dirt were a support band the first time I saw them, and was obviously the beginning of a very special musical love affair.

😉

The old family problems reared their head again in a way I didn’t expect and to say I lost my shit is putting it mildly. But after a couple of raw and angry blog posts and Facebook statuses intended solely to piss people off, I calmed down long enough to try and mend some of the damage I caused. I’ve felt like the victim for so long that it was confronting to think about how hard it is for other people who are trapped in the middle of this fucked up family saga, which they don’t want or deserve to be. There are a couple of really good hearted people who have not contributed to any of the problems who want to be okay with everyone, and learning this was an eye opener, and a wake call I needed. The truth is that there will probably never be one easy solution where everyone is happy, but if you love people and want them in your life you find a way forward. And it’s just so fucking refreshing to be able to speak to someone after you’ve been a social-media-psycho and actually DISCUSS things calmly, listen to each other, and move forward in a good way. Open efficient communication is just so rare in that quarter that I don’t always know how to use it.

But really all it takes to knock some sense into me is to just take a moment to appreciate everything that is so wonderful in my life, and while it was a difficult and emotional roller coaster of a month, the way my nearest and dearest rallied around me when I needed them most reminded me that I’m a very lucky person.

Plus the Real Housewives of Sydney hit the telly on the weekend, and you know how those crazy women always give me a laugh or five. And it turns out the drink I enjoy most often {vodka, lime, and soda} is called a skinny bitch.

I fucking wish.

Til next time.

A.

 

  1. Ah man you’ve definitely had a roller coaster February – here’s to March being a little smoother xo

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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