Beyonce: the ultimate bogan.

First of all, I dare say I’m probably late to the party with my two cents on this topic, but let’s blame it on the holiday-mode-almost-news-free bubble and leave it at that.

Beyonce.

That photo.

Not this one, which was bad enough.

Image: ew.com

How could we forget the big pregnant-with-twins reveal photo?

Yes I was mighty jealous she was pregnant with twins, having always wanted a matching pair myself. And yes, like many friends commented when I whined about it on Facebook, some celebs may well turn to artificial means to boost their chances, but who really cares? It’s the end result, the whole twins thing I’ve always yearned for.

I did love the spoof memes and pics that appeared instantly, especially Zoe Foster Blake’s. Because you just know that she actually is really funny, and just generally really real.

Not a celebrity wanker type at all.

Nope, no celebrity wankers here.

But then Bey had to go and do it all again with the big birth reveal photo.

And I find myself annoyed a bit more {okay, a LOT more}, than I was the first time.

And it took me a while to figure out why. {Yes, I pondered it because I’m on holidays with nothing better to do.}

I realised that what bugs me is the fact that she is making sure that everyone knows she is not an ordinary person, not just another celebrity making a birth announcement.

The Jolie-Pitt twins. Note Ange is wearing a nightgown. LIKE AN ACTUAL MOTHER MIGHT. No tulle in sight…

You know how most famous people like to do that whole “we’re just like you” thing? Even though we’re not dumbasses who know that even though said celeb is a human like us, their actual lives might operate just a little differently. But we also understand that we have in common that human-ness which connects all of us. Celebs are not immune to illness, heartache, or trauma. Sometimes they might even have to address these things the same way the rest of us do, after all no amount of money or connections can bring back a loved one. And sometimes they can self-medicate or soothe a whole lot more than the average Joe Blow who has bills to pay and kids to feed. But at the end of the day mostly we just all pretend that they’re different, when in actual fact we know that apart from their wealth and recognisability they still feel the same human emotions.

But apparently, the same does not apply to Beyonce.

Image: dailymail.com

The common theme in both of her “reveal” photos, the thing that jumps out at me the most, the thing that bothers me the most damn it, is Beyonce-as-goddess. Her facial expression in both pictures is serene, knowing, peaceful.

The setting is a beautifully manicured garden with ocean backdrop, in both photos there is lots of lush fabric and flowers. It goes without saying that she is fully and immaculately made up and coiffed. Tanned and taut, well rested and just pretty damn perfect all round.

And ultimately it’s all just so fucking contrived and fake that it really makes me shake my head that anyone can look at these images and not want to have a good laugh.

Because it all just seems like such an elaborate way of reminding everyone that Beyonce isn’t just another new mum, she’s BEYONCE, thank you very much. And her babies are also the children of JAY Z, thank you very much. And is it just me or is it even all just a touch, hmmm, what’s the word I’m looking for???

Oh yeah.

BOGAN.

Lauren Conrad: old school ultrasound pic. Not a bogan.

You know those “Big Fat Trashy/Gypsy/Wog Wedding” reality shows where the bride’s dress is so big she can’t fit in a stretch hummer? Or that Sydney politician whose wedding landed him on the front pages {and later in court πŸ˜‰ } with it’s helicopters and fleet of luxury cars?

Yep, Bey’s photos remind me of all of those bogan fests, and the worst thing is how seriously she seems to be taking it all.

Now, much as I love a post birth shot in which the new mum looks radiant and glowing and triumphant yet exhausted and puffy at the same time, you don’t even have to offer that, because you know what I’m really loving lately?

The “no comment”.

Bey’s bandmate Kelly Rowland: baby reveal pic. Not a bogan.

The whole new thing where, shock horror, celebes don’t even make a pregnancy announcement or share pics of the new baby. Or if they do it’s just a tiny little hand or some delicious little feet. And when a woman is walking around town with a six month preggers belly you have to be a bit of an idiot to still need an announcement, you know?

And how about the Clooney’s?

Where’s the big reveal of their twins? Do we need one? No we fucking don’t. Have George and Amal been busy tracking down pruned bushes and bolts of tulle? No, I dare say not.

And don’t even get me started on the baby names.

But my favourite celeb birth reveal pic comes from a surprising source, the man who makes my mothers day anti-wishlist every year.

Yep, it comes from none other than Michael Buble and his wife Luisana Lopilato, with their joyful faces that capture brand new parenthood at it’s most natural and beautiful.

All together now: awww.

And that, my friends, is my two cents.

πŸ™‚

 

  1. THANK YOU! I just don’t get the hype. FFS she just had babies – what we’re (supposedly but I’m not convinced) put on this earth to do. She hasn’t a) cured cancer or b) performed on the surface of Mars!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Lol. When she sells out Mars I’ll take it all back.

      It was just the whole zoolander vibe, like, am I the only one who hasn’t gone crazy and just thinks it’s ridiculous?! 😝

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  2. Where is that freaking “The Office” THANK YOU gif!! You said all the true things and even things that I didn’t know about that bothered me.

    Like

    Reply

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